Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
