Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Two words: blizzard sex
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
