Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
