Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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