community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
