remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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