I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
