You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
