I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
