Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
