my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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