Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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