dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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