So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
