I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
