All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
