i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
