Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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