All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
