Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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