I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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