just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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