"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
