the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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