SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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