My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Randomize
