I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
