He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
