so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
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