you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
