I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
So much rum. So many feels.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
