I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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