I could have mohawked her pubes.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize