she looked like the before picture.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
3 2 1 whiskey
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
