So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
