she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
