I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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