I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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