I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
