I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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