Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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