you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
