Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
