Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
