I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize