"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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