In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
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