I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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