How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
