I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
