these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
