sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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