I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Randomize
