already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
