She said her name was "party"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
