I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
