...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
